holly days

on christmas morning i woke up as early as i did as a child (all right, as early as i always have) & wandered sleepily into the front room with an instant coffee to keep my hands warm before anyone else, even the sun, was awake. i sat quietly looking at all of the wrapped presents under the tree & by the fireplace; i have never been one to want to open them ahead of time. when the cousins had been woken, the aunts & uncles had pulled on their robes, we cozied up in the front room & opened our stockings. i cried, everyone pretended not to notice; i went to the bathroom to empty my eyes further & so as not to cause a fuss. distance is difficult, sometimes, but after the morning weeping i was all right.

the christmas lunch table was full of family & extended family & i didn't know how to answer the question: so where do you say your home is? we lit the traditional christmas pud' after dousing it with brandy, popped open our crackers, & went for a long walk in the commons. i talked to someone else's grandad. after the grandparents were gone, we cozied up together in the front room listening to my aunts tell stories of my own grandparents that i hardly remember, & stories of growing up in england. i like hearing things like that to help place where i come from, to track geneology & trace my traits.

when i went to pick michelle up from heathrow, we hugged & i whispered that i was worried about where to be homesick for, that something felt off: she looked at me knowingly (it is so nice to know & be known) & said, as she tapped my heart, "harriet, your home is right here." we had a lovely time frolicking around oxford together & planning our near-futures (the distant kind is too far away). this trip to england was one of the best ones.

as i was sitting in the airplane getting ready to leave london for copenhagen, i realized that all of my relationships have been superimposed with the time limit of my departure. i hope to stay in one place for long enough this year. as the pre-flight announcements came on in languages i had never heard before, i was unable to tune them out: sometimes it feels like i am always leaving.