noel

the shape of traditions are sculpted, whittled, and transformed. we grow up, you know; we're suddenly growing old. this is a comfortable familiarity of newness, though. the natural evolution of patterns. a lingering breakfast with eggnog in our coffee, maple-muesli french toast, and mangoes. everything was as perfect as it could be, i promise my mother, because i know that if i tell her otherwise it will break her heart. i do not lie, though. this syllogism is sincere.

we watched the queen make her noon-time speech, made long-distance phone calls. i could not talk to my auntie out of a fear of loving her too much; the ache of missing someone can be overwhelming. i hear all about the holly-picking trip, the christmas lunch, the collection of blue cheeses, the travel plans. i remembered the sliver of that moon, ethereal, hanging over the fog in the new forest, on my holly-picking trip with my aunt last year. christmas day was her first time out of bed in two months. nothing is able to warm her up.

a walk around the mill pond, in the old part of the old neighbourhood of my childhood (it was my first time back). the frozen pathways were molecular, silver currents fondling the hopeful black pools of ice. birch trees were permanently bent as if shouldering the memory of every fierce wind. the cattails were sliced open and the milky fuzz poured out, miserable, premature. nothing in nature is peaceful: it is a constant upheaval. "when the air is this cold, molecules freeze. scents are trapped and the air is the purest it can ever be." the sun set over the lake, the fields, and i convinced my dad to run up the hill with me. my mother found us with rosy cheeks. we ate chocolate and drank red wine at the place i called my second home for twenty years.

dinner: filet mignon, roasted squash, caramelized sweet potatoes sprinkled with pomegranate seeds. reading on the couch as the sun sets, a panoramic view of toronto at my back. we made each other tea, quietly, and listened to dylan thomas read "a child's christmas in wales." afterwards, a night-time walk with dad. he taught me about quarks and bosons, quantum mechanics, and the infinite potential in the bending of light.